Wanting to be genuine about something genuine

Alright, fair warning here – we’re about to step in some really deep stuff. ☝️

Lately, I’ve been feeling a tad spiritually disconnected. If I’m being honest, spiritual disconnection is no stranger to me. While I do feel ‘exposed’ or what not saying this o u t l o u d I do believe no faith is perfect and no matter what age you are or what stage in life you’re at, faith is always growing, never stopping. There isn’t a point in life where people are just perfectors of faith, which is different than trying to perfect it. 

I feel most connected to the Lord when I’m in consistent community with others. Be it a retreat with other believers, campus ministry, or even constantly hanging out with my dear sisters and brothers in Christ, I always feel His presence the most in those kinds of people-oriented scenarios. Of course, I don’t blame lack of community for my ultimate disconnections, because my own broken humanity is what separates the divinity of Him and me here on Earth. But, being in community is and has always been a positive thing for me because it’s where I receive the most encouragement, accountability, and drive to pursue the Lord. There’s just something about connecting with others in person, hearing their experiences and sharing bits and pieces of your life in return that beats trying to grow in my faith by myself in quarantine. 

 In the past I have gone through lovely seasons of consistency and have seen progress through reading my bible, or praying everyday for two months but that always ends up in very much the same way as a field of weeds that gets picked and replaced by fresh, new plants.  In quarantine, it’s been exceedingly difficult to actually sit down in a quiet room, pray and flush out some things with the Lord for more than 15 minutes. Now, more than anything, I can’t use “I’m busy” as an excuse anymore. I am busy, but busy because I’ve scheduled personal things to do for myself, not necessarily because of external factors like school or work. I definitely have the time to spend with the Lord, but I think the question has been, do I want to? 

Do I want to spend time with the Lord?

On one hand, I have a desire to “match up” to certain mentors/role models/friends in my life that I very strongly look up to. On the other hand, what’s that thing they say – making your faith “your own faith?” Ah, yes. I don’t want my pursuit of Christ to be out of an obligation or to feel like a job just because I grew up in a Christian environment. What I want is genuine desire to delight in the Lord and an authentic need and want to connect with Him. Not because my friends are better at consistency than me which makes me feel guilty and results in me doing QT out of an “obligation,” or because the goal of this intimacy with the Lord is that I want to be like this person or that person – [believe me, there are so many amazing, wise women in my life that I wish I could just be!] But because I actually want it myself, because I’ve fallen so deeply in love with Him and my life’s mission is to glorify His Kingdom with all that I do, be it through acting, directing, sound mixing or something else entirely. 

I do want to feel that connection again, want that deep feeling of His presence. Want to hear the silent whispers, feel the tug-of-the-hearts, and see the supernatural mind-blowing things only God can do. I’ve heard from a wise sister and role model once to live a life less than ordinary – the one where faith is the only way and God has to be God. 

Live a life where faith is the only way and where God has to be God

I’m convinced I’ve been feeling a bit stale recently admittedly because during periods of disconnection, I haven’t been actively running to God. Whatever that may look like. Do I just sit and tell Him? Do I open my bible? Or maybe jam out to worship songs. Or facetime a friend and talk about it? That’s proven to be helpful in the past. (That’s the type 2 in me talking, ha). And as I am 20 going on 21 in four days from now, one thing I’m thinking about is surrender. Surrendering all that I feel, all that I dream, all that I am to Him so he can restore all the things that need be. 

“God, your God, will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered.”

– Deuteronomy 30:3

Just gonna leave that there 👆Oh, side note – I’ve found the song “Reckless Love” by Cory Ashbury powerful when trying to connect to God through prayer. The karaoke version is free on YouTube and is a powerhouse in making you feel the feels. 

Until next time,

Grace

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